Lance Armstrong

Dear Lance Armstrong, 

I saw in the news that you’re going to admit to doping on Oprah. I think it’s grossly unfair that the USDA put together a mountain of lies that they call “evidence” and gathered so many first-person testimonies to throw you under the bus.  26 people testifying against you is nothing.  Find 5000 people and then maybe they have a case.  Good for you for fighting back and wrecking the lives of so many people who stepped forward to tell the “truth.” As an American, I forgive you because confessing to a respected minority female on national television is automatic restitution. 

 

Even better news is you’re now going to be on the exclusive celebrity D-List!  Welcome to Hollywood my friend. I know a bunch of people who are on and off this list and the best news is that they only have to work part-time at the Beverly Center.  So here are some things that I thought you could possibly do with your new life:

1. Do round table panel on Chelsea Lately. A bunch of no-name people are on this all the time, and you can still wear your yellow jersey whenever you’d like.  Just make sure to keep your combative attitude like the time ESPN interviewed you a few years back.

2. Stand-up Comedy. A bunch of washed-up celebs are making a ton of money at high-profile comedy clubs like Snickerz in Indiana. You can be a prop comic!  Half-way through the show, say you’re tired, but instead of taking a sip of water, connect yourself to an IV bag filled with EPO-rich blood.

3. Start a podcast.  My housekeeper has one so there’s no reason why you can’t.  Make sure to have other “victims” on the show like Marion Jones and Barry Bonds.

4. Reality Television.  We put you in a house with all the people whose lives you eviscerated.  People love television violence and this is sure to have a lot of it.

5. Raise money for charity.  I hear the NY marathon is registering and there are many buildings along the race route where you can stop and “rest.” 

No matter what happens, never forget that you are an American hero, a title that is carelessly attributed to undeserving teachers, doctors and generally, people who dedicate their lives to help mankind.  I’m very sad that they are forcing you to cop to these wretched allegations, but am absolutely thrilled that you are clinging to remain in the public eye so we can see your beautiful face.  Livestrong Armstrong… or ride your bike over a cliff.  Either is fine by me. 

Tarun

Labor Day & FB Political Status Updates

Well, Labor Day is over.  I looked up the definition on the web just to see what it said and it read that Labor Day “is the celebration of the creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country.”

Having read that, it’s a badass holiday.  Let me re-phrase that.  Any day where you get a four-day weekend is a badass holiday. It’s also fitting that the elections are coming up, adding to the patriotic spirit. Every Labor Day, instead of cookouts, Americans should grab a shotgun, drink a 40 and go shoot a deer.  U.S.A baby!

However, what we should NOT do, in my opinion, is use our free time to put up Facebook status updates every 5 seconds about how much Obama sucks or how much Romney blows.  I must have read 50 political status updates yesterday.  I swear, people are setting their alarm clocks to wake up and go on Facebook.  “OMG, I haven’t posted anything about XXX politician in two hours! Must… type… now!”

I joined Facebook for the same reason that everybody else did -- to be a creeper and check out underage slutty girls.  I miss the days of going through Facebook and seeing people post videos of cats playing keyboards or people taking pictures of the scrambled eggs that they ate for breakfast. Now I’ve got to read about everyone’s lame political beliefs and how horrible a person I am if I'm not on your bandwagon to nowhere.

I’m pretty sure my opinion has zero effect on the actions of others, but whenever I see a status update about politics, I click “hide” and then select “all updates” so I never have to hear from you again.  Wouldn’t it be great if you could do that to every annoying person you encounter?  Just hit a button, and they can’t talk to you FOREVER.  They just magically disappear. Someone invent an app for this.

Again, these are just my thoughts.  You don’t have to take it seriously, or please do so if it makes you feel better. I don’t care because I’ve said my peace and will write more, probably on Oct. 9^h, the day after Columbus Day.

Paging Nick Stahl

Today, Nick Stahl the guy from Terminator 3 was reported missing.  My first reaction was that the T-X got him or maybe the robots finally succeeded in killing John Connor. 

Of course, reality is that this is Hollywood and people go crazy all the time.  I read this off my friend's Facebook wall,

“I put my heart and my soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process.”  –Van Gogh

Let’s think about this.  Van Gogh thought he was nuts, and he never had to drive to Ocean Park Casting in Santa Monica in 4.pm traffic to play Man #3 for a Taco Bell commercial.  (Yes, I realize this is an inside joke for L.A. actors, and I don’t care.) 

I don’t know Nick Stahl and certainly have no idea what would bring a man to bail on his family.  I do know that from a commercial standpoint, he was relatively successful and had done some notable past work.  Point being, all this stuff means jack if your personal life is not aligned. 

To everyone in L.A. -  you’re screwed because you’re probably already brainwashed.  If you don’t believe me go see what people are writing for FB posts.  However, if you don’t live here, there’s still time.  Go buy a dog and live in the woods.   If I didn't have an audition tomorrow, that’s what I would do. 

--tarun

Things Happen Blah Blah Blah...

I was at an audition today and the guy sitting next to me goes, “Things are meant to happen the way they are supposed to happen.” Pretty poignant statement coming from a guy auditioning for a non-union soap commercial.

   

I’m not a fan of that saying.  What if I get into my car right now and crash into a grocery store. Was that meant to happen?  Since I’m just ranting here, there are some other things I don’t buy into that I’m going to list in no particular order: The Secret, P90X,  Family Guy, James Cameron, Cheescake Factory, and every movie Jonah Hill is in.   Actually, wait. Put Family Guy at #1. 

My cousin visited me recently and said there were five things in the Hindu scripture that were definite: When you were born, when you die, how much fame you have, and I forget the other two.  (3 out of 5 ain't bad) Rather than being a complete atheist, I think this is much simpler notion to grasp rather than thinking every little thing is part of some grand design.

I saw this Youtube video where Steve Jobs is addressing a graduating class at Stanford.  He studied calligraphy in India or something, which later became the foundation for the Apple computer typefont. I’m paraphrasing here, but he was like “I didn’t understand it back then, and now it all makes sense.” Give me a break. I’ve been to India like 15 times, and the only thing I learned was not to drink the water or I’ll puke in the bathroom for two days straight. 

My point is that people need to stop following goofy expressions and start taking initiative in life.   Things happen when you make them happen contrary to what my fellow actor said to me this morning.  By the way, soon after he said that, I got up and moved to the other side of the room.  It’s already working. 

Cougars, Lions and Tigers. Oh My!

So I’m reading this in the news, “Cougar J Lo is reportedly dating 24-year old, Casper Smart.” God, I love this town.  Let’s forget about the fact that somebody actually named their son Casper.  Let’s focus on that this is probably the only place in the world outside of prison where you can date someone 20 years younger than you and nobody cares. 

George Clooney is 50 years old, his girlfriend Stacy Keibler, 32.   Katie Couric, that wholesome 54 year old TV news correspondent? She’s slamming some dude 17 years younger.  Film director Roman Polanski was 43 when he hooked up with 13 year old… well, never mind.  You get my point.

Some people do make a big deal of it, and I don’t get it. Hollywood is a really hard town to meet people.  It must be even harder when you’re a celebrity and everyone knows who you are.  You think George Clooney is on Match.com? He is!  I saw his profile. This is what it says:

“Hi, I’m an actor.  I like long walks on the beach, sushi and Nickelback.  Oh yeah, I was voted People Magazine’s Sexiest Man alive 12 X’s and am worth 200 million dollars.”

Pretty much all my single friends (both girl and guys) gripe about finding love in L.A. and it’s fair to say that both sexes think that the other gender is insane. Girls think men are pigs, guys think girls are drama queens. Both are correct.  In fact, I would never date a transgender person because they are probably lunatics. 

So I think if you do meet someone who is from a different generation but you connect with their personality or you feel a deep attraction for their wallet/purse, you should definitely go for it. 

Me personally, I don’t date anyone under 25.  Not because I don't like younger girls, but I can’t fake talking about Justin Beiber for more than 60 minutes at TGI Fridays. *Editors note - If it was 3 years ago and you were Asian, I would give you more leeway, but I grew out of that phase.

So next time you want to date someone who is vastly different in age, but you’re afraid of what people will think.  Well, it’s that or you’re the weird guy/girl who lives alone with your cats. You decide.  I’m picking Jlo. Unless I named my cat Jlo which would make it extra creepy.

In Time... For What?

I just saw the movie “In Time” with Justin Timberlake.  Yes, I saw the 2pm show on a Tuesday with four other people in the theater.  (Yes, this is my life.  Check my tumblr page at tarun.tv if you really want to get scared) 

I’m not here to review the movie, but the gist of it is that everybody has a counter on their arm, and life is slipping away.  In this fantasy world, time is literally money.  So rich people can live forever and buy more time while poor people face an early death. 

I’ve got to stop watching high-concept movies that deal with time.  For some reason, they make me over analyze my life purpose, and I’m not sure if that's good or bad.

(Remember, Adam Sandler’s “Click?” Where the guy has a remote control and can fast forward time?  I couldn’t sleep for like three days. Seriously!)

What does this tell me?  I have problems and should seek therapy.  But it also makes me aware that we have a finite amount of time on Earth.  In my opinion, most of humanity has numbed their minds and slog through life using various coping mechanisms: alcohol, career, family.

I used to think Hollywood was the anti-thesis to this.  After all, it’s the land where people risk everything in pursuit of their dreams.  And then I look around and see my ego-driven acquaintances who would push their grandmother in front of a moving truck for under five lines on "How I Met Your Mother."  I want to shake these people and yell, "Is this what you really want?!"  

I, myself, am the worst because I am driven to not lose. So I spend inordinate amounts of time doing things I have no interest in.  It's like being trapped in a Reality TV show where the contest challenges keep coming, each one larger and more insane than the last. 

My point to all this is that I think everybody can benefit by sitting down for a few minutes and trying to find some objective.  It's a simple thing to do, and I'm not sure if people take the TIME to do this.  (I'm never using this word again) I’ve been lucky to meet some great people who have: comedians, teachers, doctors.  There is this guy who uses a leaf blower outside my apartment every Friday morning.  He's always smiling. I think he may be high, but I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he's found something that he likes to do.

I think that’s the difference between people that live happily and do meaningful things vs. people who watch Justin Timberlake movies in the middle of the day. 

I'm going to go watch Captain America now. 

Moral Dilemma

I was a bit undecided about what to blog about today. On one hand, Lindsay Lohan is doing community service at the morgue.  On the other, the nation is having a financial meltdown and people are taking to the streets.

In an effort to not become any dumber while living in L.A. I'm going to blog about the latter. Namely, the arrest and 11-year jail sentence of finance titan Raj Rajaratnam, who ran the hedge-fund at Galleon Group, and the imminent court date of Rajat K. Gupta former director at Goldman Sachs.  Apparently, these guys were best buds and were sharing inside information.  Maybe it's because they both had the same nickname "R.J." Whatever the case, WHOOPS!

As a South Asian, I'm troubled by this. Not because they did something wrong but because they got caught. I know it's immensely greedy and a lot of innocent people were hurt.  I guess I'm biased towards Indians. Probably because Hollywood is a dogfight for South Asians while finance seems like a meritocracy where you just have to be smart.  Anyways, Rajat is indicted on 5 counts of securities fraud and faces 20 years for each count.  Looks like he better use his money to buy a time machine and fix this mess because he is not going to get off easy.

A little while ago, I was planning to work at CAA, a talent agency in Hollywood and I was having nightly meetings with my other friend who worked at WME, a rival talent agency.  We were coordinating ways to share information for personal use.  Did we care? Not the slightest.  As anybody in Hollywood knows, living here is like total anarchy and you fend for yourself.

It makes me think that some South Asians are hyper competitive, and we are wired to pull every trick in the book.  To think, thousands of years ago we were probably goat herders and things were the same.

Goat herder #1 - Hey did you hear?  Raj is retiring next month and will be selling his goats.
Goat herder #2 - Are you insane?!  You can't tell me this!  That's illegal.  (thinks about it) Saaaay.... how many goats does he have?

We live in a country where our forefathers stole land from Native Americans so we could build Walmarts.  Perhaps our absence of morals is substantial proof that we have successfully assimilated into American culture.

USA baby, USA.