Quest for Something

A few years ago, I went on a quest for something. I want to say inner peace but that sounds stupid so I'm just going to go with "something."  I wasn't happy and needed change. 

I had a hard time relating to my friends, (which I would later find out I was “judging”) and decided to turn my world upside down. I stopped hanging out with people and going to places I didn't want to be at, I stopped trying to live in a fake reality that things were awesome when they weren’t, I started doing spiritual shit, (I even checked into a Buddhist colony for a weekend) I got a day job, I started doing jiu-jitsu and got chocked out by men who could kill me, I stopped trying to find “the one”and dated girls who weren’t South Asians with graduate degrees. Also, I decided I would read every self-help book I could get my hands on.  Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dyer, J. Krishnamurti, really anybody who talks slow and looks like they’re stoned. I also watched countless YouTube TedTalks, even the ones given by19 year olds who barely have life experiences and claim profound wisdom. The list goes on… 

You know what I discovered after all this?  Something that I’m about to tell you for free, which took me years of over-analyzing to realize.   NOTHING.  That’s right. That’s what I learned… THERE IS NO ANSWER.  Every problem I had or will have is just stuff I make up in my head.  THE-END.  I think the greatest spiritual masters guide you into letting you discover this on your own and anyone who tells you how to live life needs to be pushed off a cliff immediately. I wish I could tell my 20 year-old self that.  It would have prevented me from doing a world of dumb things, but I guess this was all part of my journey.  I try to catch my thoughts now before I get sucked into a blackhole.  Some days are good. Some days I want to kill everybody. 

This is just my opinion. I could be way off, and that's fine too.  I rarely tell my friends any of this because it's not my business.  This is what has helped me, and I wanted to write this in case somebody is struggling with their own demons. 

Oh yeah, and be authentic.  That’s helped a lot too.  Tell people straight up how you feel, whether you hurt their feelings or not.  I know that sounds messed up, but I think living in a false identity can create despair and being honest with your words and intentions can improve your life immensely. And see a therapist. I haven't done this and can't recommend, but I've heard cool things about this as well.  

I’m going to go drink coffee. That makes me happy.