Memoirs Of A Former Indian Wedding Comedian

There was a time when I was very serious about stand-up comedy.  I started doing it in college, and my brother, who worked in IT, figured out a way where my website (which he also built) would be one of the top sites in Google when you typed in “Indian” “Comedian.” Forget the fact that I could barely do 10 minutes on stage.  All you needed was a sibling who knew HTML, and you had a career in showbiz!

I was starting college in New York and had no idea how stand-up comedians made a living.  I did what every other comic did in the city, which was scrape by with 7-8 minute spots in shithole comedy venues and died a slow death in front of drunk New York tourists.  Artists call this “finding your voice” or later when they have more life perspective “becoming jaded.”

I’m from New Hampshire and grew up with white people so I never thought that being a comic with brown skin was abnormal. Keep in mind, this was way before Russell Peters broke through and the market wasn’t oversaturated like today. Nowadays, it seems like any Indian with a 7-11 is doing stand-up or some Indian dude just quit his consulting job at McKinsey and is getting back at his parents by telling knock-knock jokes that he stole off the internet.  ANYWAYS….

I soon found that my inbox was being flooded with requests from South Asians who wanted me to perform at their weddings. At first, I ignored these emails because it seemed insane to me.  What person in their right mind would hire a 20-year old kid to fly to some random state and perform on one of the most important days of their lives?  Rich Indians who wanted to one-up their Indian friends by having something completely NEW and DIFFERENT, that’s who.

It’s no secret that South Asians are the cheapest people in the world but fortunately, like me, they had no bearing on how much a comedian should get paid.  Naturally, I'd set my quote really high.  A typical negotiation went as follows:

Father – How much charge you do?

Me – Um, I’m not sure what you said, but my asking price to perform is 5000 dollars.

Father – What?! I not pay 5000 dollars!  I pay 1000.

Me – OK!    

The next thing I knew, I was zig-zagging around the country on weekends, performing at Indian weddings.  I’m not sure how to describe it, but I always tell people that performing at an Indian wedding is comparable to being a professional escort.  Money up front, black out for the next hour and then try to forget the whole experience ever happened. 

I also learned that dealing with clueless Indian people had drawbacks.  I once showed up to a wedding and there was no microphone.  I spent the next 60 minutes yelling from the stage “HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING?  WHAT PART OF INDIA ARE YOU FROM?  CHENNAI? GREAT!  HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AIR INDIA?!”

Never once in hundreds of shows did it get easier. It was like the movie “Groundhogs Day.”  I would walk into a lavish wedding hall, watch a bunch of bad wedding speeches, almost throw up in a nearby garbage can, wondering how I got here, and then try to survive on stage for the next hour.

I’m not saying I was a good Indian wedding comedian.  I wasn’t bad, but by no means great.  Luckily, I soon realized that most Indian audiences could care less if I told jokes or set myself on fire.  As long as I showed up and pretended like I knew what I was doing, nobody knew the difference.  Sometimes people who were my own age and could identity a train wreck when it happened would find me after the show.  They'd be like “Hey, don’t worry, I ENJOYED IT” which is kind of like a backhanded complement.  “Gee thanks!  I guess I’ll postpone killing myself when I get back to the hotel!”

Someone sent me a Steve Jobs Youtube Video where he gave a graduation speech at Stanford.  He mentioned how you go through life and when you look back, you see the stars connect and everything happens for a reason.  Well Steve Jobs obviously never performed for the Patel’s in Houston where nobody spoke English.  That show sucked.

FYI - here's a show from 2005 where I'm eating it for 50 minutes straight.  It's actually quite funny to me now. 

SUV Mayhem

I keep seeing in the news this story about the guy in the SUV who got beaten up by a motorcycle gang in New York. I've been following this story closely, and when I say "closely" I mean that I watch the CNN clips with no sound when I'm on the treadmill at the gym.  If you haven't heard this, the gist is that the motorcyclists were pissed because the driver ran over their friend, crushing his spine, and took off.  The motorcyclists chased him down, smashed in the Range Rover window, dragged the driver out of his car and beat him up. Oh yeah, all of this was captured on some guy's helmet cam and the video went viral.  Thank you YouTube. 

Me personally, I wasn't shocked by the video footage.  I live in Los Angeles and see Asian people run over strangers all the time.  There are laws in L.A. that prohibit Range Rovers being sold to people of Asian descent.  But on a serious note, if it was me, and I had my wife (that doesn't exist) and a 2-year old kid (that would definitely be from my first marriage) I would have floored the car and run over as many motorcyclists as possible. I actually think after running over the first guy,  the driver should have backed up the car and tried to take out a few more.  I hate the whole "wolf pack" mentality. Just because you have a motorbike and 30 loser motorcycle-riding friends, doesn't give you clearance to disrespect the rules of the road.  If you watch the video, the motorcyclist in front clearly hit the brakes and instigated the accident.  It's hard for anyone to say what they would do because you can't prepare for anything like this.  This scenario is not in the drivers ed written test:  "If a motorbike gang purposely causes an accident and surrounds your car, do you...

A. Exchange insurance information
B. Take out gun from glove compartment and load bullets
C. Hit the gas and don't stop until you get to Mexico

One thing is for sure, everyone involved will have to shell out some serious cash:  the culprit's defense team, the paraplegic's hospital bills and most of all, replacing a window on a Range Rover.  I hope the car is OK.

Lance Armstrong

Dear Lance Armstrong, 

I saw in the news that you’re going to admit to doping on Oprah. I think it’s grossly unfair that the USDA put together a mountain of lies that they call “evidence” and gathered so many first-person testimonies to throw you under the bus.  26 people testifying against you is nothing.  Find 5000 people and then maybe they have a case.  Good for you for fighting back and wrecking the lives of so many people who stepped forward to tell the “truth.” As an American, I forgive you because confessing to a respected minority female on national television is automatic restitution. 

 

Even better news is you’re now going to be on the exclusive celebrity D-List!  Welcome to Hollywood my friend. I know a bunch of people who are on and off this list and the best news is that they only have to work part-time at the Beverly Center.  So here are some things that I thought you could possibly do with your new life:

1. Do round table panel on Chelsea Lately. A bunch of no-name people are on this all the time, and you can still wear your yellow jersey whenever you’d like.  Just make sure to keep your combative attitude like the time ESPN interviewed you a few years back.

2. Stand-up Comedy. A bunch of washed-up celebs are making a ton of money at high-profile comedy clubs like Snickerz in Indiana. You can be a prop comic!  Half-way through the show, say you’re tired, but instead of taking a sip of water, connect yourself to an IV bag filled with EPO-rich blood.

3. Start a podcast.  My housekeeper has one so there’s no reason why you can’t.  Make sure to have other “victims” on the show like Marion Jones and Barry Bonds.

4. Reality Television.  We put you in a house with all the people whose lives you eviscerated.  People love television violence and this is sure to have a lot of it.

5. Raise money for charity.  I hear the NY marathon is registering and there are many buildings along the race route where you can stop and “rest.” 

No matter what happens, never forget that you are an American hero, a title that is carelessly attributed to undeserving teachers, doctors and generally, people who dedicate their lives to help mankind.  I’m very sad that they are forcing you to cop to these wretched allegations, but am absolutely thrilled that you are clinging to remain in the public eye so we can see your beautiful face.  Livestrong Armstrong… or ride your bike over a cliff.  Either is fine by me. 

Tarun

Labor Day & FB Political Status Updates

Well, Labor Day is over.  I looked up the definition on the web just to see what it said and it read that Labor Day “is the celebration of the creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country.”

Having read that, it’s a badass holiday.  Let me re-phrase that.  Any day where you get a four-day weekend is a badass holiday. It’s also fitting that the elections are coming up, adding to the patriotic spirit. Every Labor Day, instead of cookouts, Americans should grab a shotgun, drink a 40 and go shoot a deer.  U.S.A baby!

However, what we should NOT do, in my opinion, is use our free time to put up Facebook status updates every 5 seconds about how much Obama sucks or how much Romney blows.  I must have read 50 political status updates yesterday.  I swear, people are setting their alarm clocks to wake up and go on Facebook.  “OMG, I haven’t posted anything about XXX politician in two hours! Must… type… now!”

I joined Facebook for the same reason that everybody else did -- to be a creeper and check out underage slutty girls.  I miss the days of going through Facebook and seeing people post videos of cats playing keyboards or people taking pictures of the scrambled eggs that they ate for breakfast. Now I’ve got to read about everyone’s lame political beliefs and how horrible a person I am if I'm not on your bandwagon to nowhere.

I’m pretty sure my opinion has zero effect on the actions of others, but whenever I see a status update about politics, I click “hide” and then select “all updates” so I never have to hear from you again.  Wouldn’t it be great if you could do that to every annoying person you encounter?  Just hit a button, and they can’t talk to you FOREVER.  They just magically disappear. Someone invent an app for this.

Again, these are just my thoughts.  You don’t have to take it seriously, or please do so if it makes you feel better. I don’t care because I’ve said my peace and will write more, probably on Oct. 9^h, the day after Columbus Day.

Paging Nick Stahl

Today, Nick Stahl the guy from Terminator 3 was reported missing.  My first reaction was that the T-X got him or maybe the robots finally succeeded in killing John Connor. 

Of course, reality is that this is Hollywood and people go crazy all the time.  I read this off my friend's Facebook wall,

“I put my heart and my soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process.”  –Van Gogh

Let’s think about this.  Van Gogh thought he was nuts, and he never had to drive to Ocean Park Casting in Santa Monica in 4.pm traffic to play Man #3 for a Taco Bell commercial.  (Yes, I realize this is an inside joke for L.A. actors, and I don’t care.) 

I don’t know Nick Stahl and certainly have no idea what would bring a man to bail on his family.  I do know that from a commercial standpoint, he was relatively successful and had done some notable past work.  Point being, all this stuff means jack if your personal life is not aligned. 

To everyone in L.A. -  you’re screwed because you’re probably already brainwashed.  If you don’t believe me go see what people are writing for FB posts.  However, if you don’t live here, there’s still time.  Go buy a dog and live in the woods.   If I didn't have an audition tomorrow, that’s what I would do. 

--tarun

Things Happen Blah Blah Blah...

I was at an audition today and the guy sitting next to me goes, “Things are meant to happen the way they are supposed to happen.” Pretty poignant statement coming from a guy auditioning for a non-union soap commercial.

   

I’m not a fan of that saying.  What if I get into my car right now and crash into a grocery store. Was that meant to happen?  Since I’m just ranting here, there are some other things I don’t buy into that I’m going to list in no particular order: The Secret, P90X,  Family Guy, James Cameron, Cheescake Factory, and every movie Jonah Hill is in.   Actually, wait. Put Family Guy at #1. 

My cousin visited me recently and said there were five things in the Hindu scripture that were definite: When you were born, when you die, how much fame you have, and I forget the other two.  (3 out of 5 ain't bad) Rather than being a complete atheist, I think this is much simpler notion to grasp rather than thinking every little thing is part of some grand design.

I saw this Youtube video where Steve Jobs is addressing a graduating class at Stanford.  He studied calligraphy in India or something, which later became the foundation for the Apple computer typefont. I’m paraphrasing here, but he was like “I didn’t understand it back then, and now it all makes sense.” Give me a break. I’ve been to India like 15 times, and the only thing I learned was not to drink the water or I’ll puke in the bathroom for two days straight. 

My point is that people need to stop following goofy expressions and start taking initiative in life.   Things happen when you make them happen contrary to what my fellow actor said to me this morning.  By the way, soon after he said that, I got up and moved to the other side of the room.  It’s already working. 

Cougars, Lions and Tigers. Oh My!

So I’m reading this in the news, “Cougar J Lo is reportedly dating 24-year old, Casper Smart.” God, I love this town.  Let’s forget about the fact that somebody actually named their son Casper.  Let’s focus on that this is probably the only place in the world outside of prison where you can date someone 20 years younger than you and nobody cares. 

George Clooney is 50 years old, his girlfriend Stacy Keibler, 32.   Katie Couric, that wholesome 54 year old TV news correspondent? She’s slamming some dude 17 years younger.  Film director Roman Polanski was 43 when he hooked up with 13 year old… well, never mind.  You get my point.

Some people do make a big deal of it, and I don’t get it. Hollywood is a really hard town to meet people.  It must be even harder when you’re a celebrity and everyone knows who you are.  You think George Clooney is on Match.com? He is!  I saw his profile. This is what it says:

“Hi, I’m an actor.  I like long walks on the beach, sushi and Nickelback.  Oh yeah, I was voted People Magazine’s Sexiest Man alive 12 X’s and am worth 200 million dollars.”

Pretty much all my single friends (both girl and guys) gripe about finding love in L.A. and it’s fair to say that both sexes think that the other gender is insane. Girls think men are pigs, guys think girls are drama queens. Both are correct.  In fact, I would never date a transgender person because they are probably lunatics. 

So I think if you do meet someone who is from a different generation but you connect with their personality or you feel a deep attraction for their wallet/purse, you should definitely go for it. 

Me personally, I don’t date anyone under 25.  Not because I don't like younger girls, but I can’t fake talking about Justin Beiber for more than 60 minutes at TGI Fridays. *Editors note - If it was 3 years ago and you were Asian, I would give you more leeway, but I grew out of that phase.

So next time you want to date someone who is vastly different in age, but you’re afraid of what people will think.  Well, it’s that or you’re the weird guy/girl who lives alone with your cats. You decide.  I’m picking Jlo. Unless I named my cat Jlo which would make it extra creepy.